Again

And yes, again, here I am.

Listening to Comptine d'une autre été and writing to you –again –another letter that maybe I will not send.

I am wearing my red dress. Eating pitted dates. My colorful white-pink socks laying on the bed, and me, lying on the red little sit that I love so much. The window is showing a quiet, almost dreams-from sight. The threes are graciously moved by the slowly blowing wind. It is such a nice moment. It seems that is going to start raining suddenly/ raindrops weeping a blink after I sighed – again.

This morning, at 6 or more, I felt Alexis and Maea getting ready to go to camp. I was totally knocked out – tired because of staying awake until 3:40 AM. But at least I was not supposed to be getting ready to go away as they were.
You were.

Unavoidably, I started feeling a little guilty. You probably didn’t want to wake up, and even if you did, you probably were so tired! Try not to extent conversations for so long in the night, nocturne creature; not everyone is free of activities and not everyone is willing to stay in bed even though there are classes. Ha ha. Not funny.

And then I realized. The first thing I thought about when I opened my eyes... it was you – again.

(Sigh) I would not like this to become only a romantic/lovely/silly/whatever experience. You are not someone I want to fall for, just right this moment. You are more likely to be someone I want to share a moment – many moments – full of reflections, conversations; a search of self, a metaphorical song; a silent walk around the block of residences.

You are someone I want to see light with. Not someone I want to have an affair with.
Not because I do not like you; not because you are not nice, cute, interesting, awaken enough to call my attention.

Is because I feel – somehow – that by making this amazing connection, this explosion in which we found each other, something so limited as a romantic relationship – a human romantic relationship – will ruin in some way the unconscious connection we already established.

The type of relationship I would like to have with you goes beyond that experience. I can not describe what kind of experience I would like to share with you, but not an affair.

Maybe, is more about not romantic love.
It is about real love.

And what is "real love"? You may wonder.
So do I.

.-.